How Can We Parent in a Liberal Culture?

I was reading some news articles the other day which were talking about how lack of proper parenting was one of the problems behind the London riots.

Prime Minister David Cameron noted that the rioters have β€œa complete lack of responsibility, a lack of proper parenting, a lack of proper upbringing, a lack of proper ethics, a lack of proper morals – that is what we need to change.”

With regard to what he said about parenting, I am sure there could be other factors involved too, such as the bad influence of friends – which can upturn the influence of even the best parenting. But I think it is very true that parenting makes a real difference, though it is not a guarantee of the right behaviour.

The Head teachers’ leader, Brian Lightman, said:

‘”Parents are not willing to say ‘no’. That short, simple word is an important part of any child’s upbringing. It’s desperately important that children have a sense of right and wrong. But we often come across children who have never been told that something is wrong.”‘

Then I read the Guardian where they talked to a mum and youth worker:

‘Dropping her six-year-old son off for football class, Chris (who did not want to give her surname) said she felt under pressure not to discipline her children. “Responsibility has been taken away from parents. People here will call social services if they hear you disciplining your children. Children hear about Childline at school. It’s all very well trying to be liberal, but parents need to be given back their right to parent,” she said.’

Parents are fearful about how they chastise their children,” Clasford Stirling, a veteran youth worker, who runs the football club at Broadwater Farm community centre in Tottenham, said. “There’s been an erosion of authority for a long time. Parents move very gingerly not to upset their own kids – that’s the reality.”‘
So they acknowledge there is a problem, and children aren’t obedient, and aren’t taught the word ‘no’ – yet our liberal culture is almost preventing us from teaching them that. I have talked to people who wanted to discipline their children but were afraid they would tell other children at school and then the social services would get involved. 
What can we do as parents?
As Christians what are we to do in a situation where we need to teach our children to obey but the culture is so against discipline?

There is a lot we can do to train and teach by being consistent and patient. I teach my children to say please and thank you by gently reminding them to say it before and after I give them something. I have got stubborn teenagers in our youth group to put their seatbelts on by saying, “I’m not going anywhere till your seatbelts are on”, and following through!
I think the most important thing is to be consistent. So that means that if you threaten a punishment then you follow through on it, and if you tell your children to do something, you make sure it is done so that they learn obedience. That also means that it is very important to be careful what sort of punishment you threaten, as you may have to carry it out.

When I was a child, I was disciplined (which sometimes meant smacking) lovingly, and am glad of it, as it taught me to be obedient and respect authority. However I know it is controversial and some situations don’t allow that, such as fostering, so I wouldn’t want to say anyone had to do that. But I do believe it is very effective, and indicated in the Bible.

When it comes to corporal punishment, I think we need to know the law. Many people in the UK think it is illegal, whereas the law in the UK at present is that you are allowed to smack your children if it is a reasonable punishment, so long as you don’t leave a mark.

Then we also need to know what the Bible says. If you don’t know – just read through Proverbs, as it has a lot on the subject and has encouraged me many times! Here is one verse:
Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul. Pro 29:17

I think you can implement the ‘rod’ in other ways – the important thing is that rebuke and punishment of some kind are needed, and that they learn to obey for their own sake, for ours as parents, and for others.

Tips for helping children to be obedient

  • Love them, first and foremost
  • Never punish when angry – make them wait somewhere until you have calmed down
  • Always hug them afterwards so they know you love them
  • Be consistent – don’t make threats that you wouldn’t follow through on
  • Talk to them first to make sure you have the story straight
  • Assess if punishment is really necessary – sometimes they are tired, or need talking to or reminding
  • Don’t yell – if you punish promptly on disobedience you shouldn’t need to raise your voice as it won’t get to that point!
  • Deal with problems promptly so the situation doesn’t escalate

 I want to recommend two of the best books I have read on the subject of bringing up children in a loving yet firm way. They have very practical advice, and are both written from a Biblical standpoint:

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp, available here in the UK, and here internationally
Child Training Tips by Reb Bradley, available here in the UK, and here internationally

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6 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    Excellent article. I have passed it on to my children who are all raising their children.
    God bless you!
    Anita

  2. Tamsyn says:

    Lovely post! I love Tedd Trips book and recommend it regularly.

  3. Rhoda says:

    Thanks Anita and Tamsyn. I have to keep re-reading that book as I so easily forget πŸ™‚

  4. T.C. says:

    “Responsibility has been taken away from parents. People here will call social services if they hear you disciplining your children. Children hear about Childline at school. It’s all very well trying to be liberal, but parents need to be given back their right to parent,”

    What a lazy excuse, disciplining a child does not have to be physical. So? they phone childline? It won’t take long for childline to assess the situation, anyway they’re not the law, so what harm can it do if your child wants to talk to someone anyway?

    If anyone needs to be handed back the right to discipline it’s the school’s, they’re the one’s who daren’t do anything because they know the child will also have the backing of their parent, it’s more than their very underpaid job is worth to take issue with a child, easier just to exclude them from the lesson, which then means they start to truant, which then leaves them with little education and time on their hands to get into trouble, and so the cycle begins!

    Discipline of course does begin at home, but if it is not followed through throughout society the whole thing unravels into the unruly mess we saw last week!

  5. What the writer of the previous comment does not seem to realise is that children who were brought up in a godly and disciplined home, would never have taken part in the unruly mess of last week!
    St Francis Xavier is supposed to have said ” Give me a child until he is 7 and I’ll give you the man”.
    Great post, and your happy and well-behaved children show the truth of it!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Yes, those are some really good ways to bring up your children