Making Sure We Have the Right Focus in Marriage

Prince William and Kate’s wedding was so beautiful to see, and they look like they are really in love. But I can’t help wondering what it will be like 10 years from now – will they have a long list of all the things that they don’t like about the other person? Will they be secretly resentful and struggle to get back to that first feeling of being in love?

If you are truly honest with yourself, do you think more about how you wish your husband (or wife) would change, or about how you can change? Most of us would say the first – but that really shouldn’t be what we are focused on.

It’s pretty fruitless

We can pray for them if we know what they struggle with, and we can also talk to them about it, and if it’s something major we may need to take other actions. But that’s about it. We can’t change someone else, no matter how much we’d like to! So to keep their failings, the way they have hurt us, or the things that we wish they would change, in our thoughts is a waste of energy.

It is damaging

The more we think about someone else’s failings, the more discouraged, depressed, resentful and judgmental we get. We are called to ‘esteem others better than yourselves’ Phil 2:3. It is very hard to esteem others better than ourselves if we are constantly thinking about how they need to improve! Also ‘out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks’ Luke 6:45, and if we are thinking this way it will inevitably come out in our words. While talking to them about these issues is a good thing if done in love, at the right time and with preparation, if we keep bringing it up it is going to drive a wall between us, and make them start to resent us.

We are responsible as individuals

Instead we should focus on our responsibility before God, because God holds us responsible to Him as individuals, not as a couple. ‘So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.’ 2 Cor 5:9,10  We need to be thinking things like: ‘Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing?’, and ‘What can I improve on?’, or ‘How can I help my husband?’

We can be joyful and please God regardless

We so often blame our husbands in our minds for why we feel depressed, but our joy should have nothing to do with them. In fact I would go so far as to say that if they are constantly making us depressed then they may be coming before God in our lives and are an idol. I only recently realised that I was often putting my husband before God in the sense that my feelings would be more affected by him than they should be. .

This can happen if we are trying to please them rather than God, or if we depend on them too much and expect more than they can really fulfil. We need to remember in this life that we are all sinners! So even if we married a Christian they will still fail, but that doesn’t need to affect our own relationship with God, our joy, or our ability to please God. And of course it is great to want to please your husband, but our ultimate goal should be to please God, so if you have put your best into making dinner and your husband hates it, you can rest in the knowledge that you did it for God, and God is pleased that you made an effort. We have to switch our mental attitude to realise that what we do is for the Lord ultimately, and that is whose opinion matters.

Realise God’s goal

God wants us to become more like Christ – His goal isn’t necessarily that we are all happy and our marriage is perfect. In fact I think marriage is one of God’s tools to accomplish His goal. When we get married we realise our selfish we are, how impatient we are, how unforgiving we are, and much more! It is through the problems and trials of dealing with someone else that isn’t the same as us, that we can grow to become more like Christ if we respond in the right way, and have the right focus.
Getting the plank out of our eye

Jesus said that in order to take the speck out of our brother’s eye we first need to take the log out of our own! You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye Matt 7:5 Even if there are a lot of faults with our husbands, there will still be some that are ours, which we should start dealing with. If you’re lacking motivation for changing yourself, there are many reasons for why we should change. Interestingly I have found that many times when I start working on my sin, it actually has the effect of making my husband work on his! I think if you are responding rightly as a wife, with a gentle and quiet spirit, respect and submission, it can have a bigger effect on your husband than nagging ever would. Just as in 1Pe 3:1  Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.

Off topic – we are going on holiday so I probably won’t be posting after this for at least a week!

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