Steps to Forgiveness

Forgiving can be very tough. Sometimes there are really big wrongs that are hard to forgive. Other times it is all the little aggravations which can be hard to forgive and build up to resentment, and I think this is especially true in close relationships like marriage and family.

As Christians we are called to forgive. Though I still struggle with this at times, I have grown a lot and want to share some of the things that I have learned which help me:

Realise God works all things for good

I once really struggled with forgiving someone but as I read through the Bible I was convicted. It was the story of Joseph that really got to me – where he forgave his brothers and said that ‘you meant it for evil but God meant it for good’.

I realised that God has a plan anyway, and I need to trust Him, and also that I shouldn’t hold things against people even if they meant it for evil.

Cover over as much as you can

I always remind myself of ‘love will cover a multitude of sins’ and try to cover over things and forgive them quickly. It helps to remember that we are all sinners in one way or another!

Communicate if necessary

I think God wants us to cover over as much as we can, but in the cases where it is causing a problem in how we view the other person or it is coming between us then we may need to talk to them.

It is important that if we do this, we plan and pray about what to say, and find a good time to talk so that it is more likely that it will go well.

If there is something between my husband and I which I am really struggling to let go of then I will talk to him about it at a time when the kids are in bed and we are both sitting down. I also tell him in advance that I need to talk to him so he knows something is coming up.

Don’t let the sun go down on your anger

With my husband especially I always keep in mind the verse about not letting the sun go down on your anger. So I try and always make up before the end of the day, however hard it may be!

Say sorry

When I want to heal a breach in a relationship I try and think of something to apologise for even if I feel it is not my fault! There usually is something you can say sorry for, as there is often some kind of speck or plank in your own eye as well as theirs. It is a great way of starting a conversation when you are both mad at each other, and helps keep you humble.

Try to see things from their perspective

Sometimes I have been really upset with someone, but when I put my mind to it to try and figure out why they did what they did I was able to understand and have more sympathy for them. Then it becomes a lot easier to forgive.

Many relational problems arise from misunderstandings, so it helps if we can work towards understanding their perspective.

Pray for them

Sometimes I struggle with seeing the other person lovingly. When that happens I have to pray that God would help them, and also pray FOR them.

Heap burning coals on their head

Sometimes if I am mad at someone this passage is a great help:

I remember once when we were dating I was really mad at my husband about something, and I decided to heap burning coals of fire on his head and make him a really nice big chef salad (which he loves).

It was amazing that doing that for him changed my heart and also healed the resentment between us. Sometimes I give him a shoulder rub even though inside I am still fuming, and by the end of it I’m not anymore!

Don’t bring it up again

The word ‘forgive’ in the Bible means to forsake, lay aside, leave. If you forgive someone you should try not to bring it up again either in your mind or in conversation. So when my husband and I have an argument and I forgive him, I also try to forget about it, and not keep thinking about it. It wouldn’t help me anyway!

Over time I have got a lot better at forgetting things, to the point that sometimes he will say sorry for something and I can’t even remember what it was!

If you want to read more on this topic, there is a great book called ‘The Peacemaker’ by Ken Sande. It gives lots of practical and Biblical advice on how to resolve conflict.

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